fuck

thinking about life and its guts yeah, life has guts - lots of disgusting guts and gross elements, some nice stuff but oh so much crap-filled intestine that it is almost unbearable trying to remain positive, trying to remain good, trying to remain a friend after you have been mis-treated no can do no can fucking do ya hear me??? no can fucking do!!! first you get put into shit then you get dragged in shit then you get dipped in shit then you get soaked in shit then you get seen obviously - when you get seen after all this shit - you look shitty so your extended hand of friendship is avoided like the shit it's been dunked in oh fuck!!! fuckety fuck fuck fuck and ya know whaaaaaaaa... even the extensive amount of fuck does not change the fuckety feeling ... hope it is worth it in the long run ...

Houston, we have a crash

Yes, how things have changed ... in a bizarre twist of fate, I was made privy to information nobody shares with ease, I guessed the info by the interlocutor's demeanor and I got outraged. Was I right? I do not know this, I just felt absolutely horrid ... I got upset and got into the whole she-bang - I listened and listened, I tried to remain impartial but I could not ... I tried to be positive and show positives but it was hard ... Was I right? Nobody knows this ... I know for a fact that I lost a good friend, I lost touch with the person (maybe not ideal human being) but the person who helped me live through a lot of stuff ..., I lost the person who was like a sibling to me (I resigned to sibling love when I realised love is not on the cards) Was I right? I will never know this ... I only know that feelings are hard to control, I only know that emotions are force beyond my level of will-power, I only know that this will cause a long period of mourning ... not easy to have sold your mind, heart and soul to the devil and then lost it in a bet with the devil's wife ... goodbye brother, you were an impostor yeah, fuck off silly brain, over and out, Houston, we have a crash ...

WOW

okay i have now understood something very very important i am not the 6 year old girl who was left alone to fend for herself in a hostile environment i am not abandoned, i am not rejected, i am not scared i am an adult - i do not see things the way that a 6 year old saw them i understand things differently i accept what the 6 year old has done, i accept what the 6 year old has lived through, i accept that the situation was very difficult for the 6 year old but i am not a 6 year old any more - i know i have gone through it i know i have coped i do not need to be afraid of abandonment and rejection the 6 year old does not have to control everything and grab hold of every little scrap of attention and choke it to death dear 6 year old me - i know it was difficult, i understand why you thought you are abandoned and rejected by the world, now it is time to understand that you were not responsible for this i understand it now and i let you go, i let you be child again, do not worry child - let me be an adult now ...

expectations and the shocking truth

ehhh 15 years ago i was expecting to have a loving husband, 4 kids, a house with a garden, a cat and a dog (maybe other things also but i dont remember) and now i am single with one child, renting a house and have a hamster - where are my other 3 kids and my loving (and absolutely gorgeous)man? where is my own house and the whole menagerie??? what happened? life happened expectations changed and everything took on a different shape that is not to say that i will finish my life as it is now - i still plan to have more kids and a loving and absolutely gorgeous man who is everything that a woman could possibly dream about :) i will make him my husband and we will buy a lovely house together we will have passion, compassion, routine boring life and exciting moments - all blocked into a happy life these are the dreams - reality will show itself - my Prince Charming is still to gallop up my driveway on a white steed (although i would prefer a car and no galloping) and make me the happiest woman on earth are you reading this my Prince???

change is good

had considered some things i was told as unreasonable and cruel and purely evil, however i can now see the wisdom in all that kudos again Mr Right - u were right all along, i cannot say i was wrong, i just did not know better - i am certain that i just needed this to grow inside myself, to grow more patient, more resilient, stronger, dare i say wiser? that still remains to be seen , but boy did it hit me today i have actually grown up maybe not quite completely yet, but i am so much more ready to embrace certain things - i feel ready i feel comfortable i feel content does it all make sense? i am not very sure - but i know i feel so much better inside now i just need to transfer the inside into the outside and we're laughing :) well i will be anyway my outside aint that completely bad just yet ;) ehhhh i just hope and pray that this state of contentment lasts forever this happiness for no reason and that loving life just now and all because i have allowed myself to open to change isnt this just marvellous!!! :)

welcome again :)

so much has changed since i was last here i mean lots and lots of stuff my Guest still the same - still greatly loved, adored, appreciated and admired, me - different in many ways, the same in many other ways learning life the hard way learning life the easy way learning life the fun way learning life the boring way just learning life cannot learn it like a poem but can do it anyway so many things want to be written so many things are pushing onto the page but i will just wait for now - i will give them time to organise then i will put them down still learning you see :)